Thoughts on last night's speeches

I admit, I was happier than I thought I would be. Obama always delivers a great speech so that's nothing new, but he said some things I can agree with (and a few that I cannot). But I don't have an all-encompassing opinion of it beyond that. Instead I have a bunch of random thoughts about his speech and the Republican response - many of which I expressed verbally in real time last night, in what my husband described as "Mystery Political Theater 3000." Of course I can't remember all of them, and I'm too inefficient (read: didn't think of it ahead of time) to blog while watching. So here goes:

Will Nancy Pelosi sit the hell down? I'm not a fan of her and her smarmy, unprofessional demeanor as it is, but was she at mass? I know she's Catholic - actually more like a revisionist Catholic, since she sees fit to rewrite doctrine to suit her views. But even a lapsed Catholic like myself knows the difference between Capitol Hill and a church. I stopped counting the Pelosi-led ovations when I ran out of fingers and toes from my entire family. (Including the dog.) Joe Biden looked downright annoyed. "Oh my GOD, woman, will you cut it out? Look at these chairs. We have the best seats in the house. The COMFY SEATS! Really, have you seen these things? The President doesn't get to sit down at all, but we can luxuriate in fine Corinthian leather - and you're wasting it by hauling your bony ass up every time Obama says a word with more than three letters. Not to mention that if you stand up, then I have to stand up or I look like a schmuck. So for the love of peaches, stop contributing to the devaluation of the Standing O and sit down. Or next time I'm putting a laxative in your coffee and I'll get Jilly to sit in for you. If nothing else, I can stare at her legs for an hour. Sheesh..."

Michelle Obama is made of awesome. I liked her enough on the campaign trail - and really, the "first time I'm proud" thing was insanely blown out of proportion - but I think I love her now. She's dedicated without being a Stepford wife, ambitious without overstepping her bounds. She has a seemingly solid and fun marriage (stuff like that is pretty hard to fake, even for politicians) and sets a great example for her daughters. And when a size-10 woman can rock a dress on national TV and nobody bats an eye, I'm the first to step up and say THANK YOU FOR EATING A SANDWICH. My only complaint - if you choose to speak out and be an active part of your husband's campaign/presidency, be prepared for media scrutiny of your words and don't hide behind your husband's chivalry. Take the heat along with the kudos, Michelle, and I'm totally yours.

It's Henny Penny Light. After weeks of The Sky Is Falling, we now have The Sky Is Falling But We Have A Very Flimsy Umbrella So It's Really Not All That Bad. We're still kind of screwed right now, but I think they might have caught on to the rule of self-fulfilling prophecy; times will get even worse if we are constantly told that they will. I'm not sure that putting us into unheard of debt is the way out of this mess, and I'd like to see some sunset provisions to end such measures when times aren't so dire. But since Obama started behind the bookkeeping 8-ball thanks to what he inherited, I'm willing to cut him a little slack and see if it works. With the sunset.

Bobby Jindal's presidential run is done. I'm truly impressed with what he's been doing in Louisiana, and aside from his social conservatism I agree with a lot of his views. But that was completely overshadowed by his goofy demeanor while giving the Republican response. I don't know what was worse - the gosh-golly-gee cadence to his voice, the extra long anectdote used as an opener, the completely scripted chuckle-shoulder shrug combinations ("oh, those silly Democrats..."), or the almost complete lack of anything new to say. The whole thing was just completely odd. Picture Jack McBrayer as re-imagined in an SNL skit working at the Magic Kingdom's Hall of Presidents and you pretty much get the idea on his delivery. He settled down about halfway through and it became tolerable, but the damage was done. Seriously, who in the GOP thought this guy would be a good follow-up to the King of Speeches?? He's following Barack Obama, for God's sake. You could have had Will Smith up there and it'd be a letdown. No, you don't put someone who has had no national audience up there, you get your best speaking guns out to take the next turn. As someone on CNN said after Jindal's speech, "This was a great night for Sarah Palin."

I really need to write my views on stuff like this as it happens. This is way too much work.

There's gotta be money in this.

My mad Minesweeper skillz.

A tournament? A convention? America's Got Talent? You'd think there's a demand for it somewhere.

Austin is now my favorite city...

Consider that I spent yesterday afternoon watching Shaun of the Dead...

http://www.kxan.com/dpp/news/Road_signs_warn_of_zombies

So is this all I really need to do?

I just saw a commercial for TLC's newest show premiering next month.

Heli-Loggers.

A show about people who harvest trees using a helicopter. Oh, not interesting to you? How about Jockeys? This one's on Animal Planet - ironic given that so many animal-rights activists hate the horse racing industry.

I'm not knocking the workers themselves, or how dangerous their jobs can be. But where do these ideas come from? Somebody actually had to think, "Helicopters. Logs. Great googly moogly, these guys have a story just dying to be told!" And then they presented it at a meeting. And then more people had to agree. Finally, someone bought it. With real money and everything.

I can do this. I can create a new show! Stockboys: When Markdowns Go Bad. Get a behind-the-scenes look at what happens when the shelves are empty on the first morning of a new sale week. (Will they give that rain-check?) You could even do a spin-off for the cashiers - "Will this desperate coupon fiend save 40 cents with her double-coupon decpetion? Find out on the next Scanners - Life in the Express Lane."

Oh yeah. Who needs a college fund, right?

Born to rock?

Our kids have inherited our enjoyment of classic rock. They're as much into (insert generic Disney/Nickelodeon kid star here) as the next kid, but they also love a good Journey, Foghat or Lynyrd Skynyrd tune. It's part Guitar Hero influence and part coolness, we like to think, and it makes them a lot more fun to hang out with than they were during the Wiggles years!

So the other day in the car, my husband decided to play "Welcome to the Jungle" for our son to see if he liked it. It's nothing we'll put on his mp3; the lyrics aren't awful, but still a little too rough for a nine-year-old boy to hear on a regular basis, I think. But it's one of our favorites so we wanted to give it a try.

The song finishes and just as we're about to ask our son how he liked it, we hear "AWESOME!"

From our five-year-old daughter.

Yes, our sweet little girl was listening! We started the song again, and sure enough there she is moshing her head to that dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun leading to the first familiar riff of the song. Really adorable, if not a little disturbing. Unfortunately, my husband has a newfound fear of my daughter as a future metal band video slut. I'm doing my best to talk him down.

Oh, and my son loved it too. :-)

What if they had a BCS Championship and nobody came?

After 10 years of BCS shenanigans, we still don't have a Division I college football playoff. I'm not naive enough to ask why; it's money, plain and simple. The BCS isn't interested in fair, or what fans have to say. They're interested in money. You see, for all of our complaining, coaches' arguments and even politicians courting favor with sports fans by calling for a playoff... one fact remains.

We still watch.

We can scream about a miscarriage of justice from the rooftops, but damn it if we're still tuning in every January for the BCS bowls (or if we're gazillionaires or contest winners, we actually have tickets). We're still buying licensed merchandise declaring that OUR TEAM WON. We're still sparring on message boards, teasing at office watercoolers and, yes, blogging about the big game.

But what if we stopped all of that? Maybe this January 8 I'll rent a movie. Or even better, spend time with my family. Maybe we'll have a conversation that doesn't involve the phrase "Will you please be quiet, I'm trying to WATCH THE GAME!" Maybe the coaches can all turn around and say "Nah, we're not going. Our players have finals. But hey, thanks for the invitation!"

Yeah, I know. It'll never happen. Then again, neither will a playoff.

I see where Mom was coming from now

I can't begin to count how many times in my childhood my mother would do or say something I considered ridiculous. Whether it was an unreasonable curfew or an obscure dinnertime law, I'd make a mental note that I will never say that to MY kid. Some of the rules at my house ranged from restrictive to downright odd. There was no explanation attached; they were simply The Rules, and we were to follow them.

Fast forward to today, and I'm a married mom of two (a 9-year-old boy and 5-year-old girl) whose childhood promises to herself have gone the way of sticker collections and candy cigarettes. Well, some of them anyway. Here are a few mantras from my mother that, somehow, make sense to me today.

"I have eyes in the back of my head." Mom said this whenever she caught us lying about something, and it drove me nuts with the lack of logic. When I was little I used to ask her if I could brush her hair just so I could covertly look for those damned eyes. (Never found 'em.) I thought she was crazy. But today I do exactly the same thing today with my kids. It turns out to be a handy cover for the real ways I find out about their shit, otherwise they'll find new methods to sneak around. They're like little terrorists that way. I call it Momland Security.

"I don't need new clothes - mine are in perfectly good shape." As a teenager I spent every weekend at the Tri-County Flea Market buying a new pair of acid washed jeans or other pieces of 80s crap. So of course I thought my mother looked ridiculous in her decade-old blouses and jewelry. One necklace she had was a hoop pendant in varying shades of gray that always made me think of a marble toilet seat. She wore that thing almost every day and it fascinated me with its ugliness, and by my teen years I wondered what was wrong with her. And yet, last month I bought myself new clothes for the first time in about four years (and subsequently freaked out about the $80 I spent on them). Who gets the new stuff? My kids do. And I don't mind a bit. Now I see where she was coming from.

"No singing at the table." Yep, you read that right. This was actually a rule at my house. We were not allowed to sing or even hum at any meal for which we were gathered. If so much as one note escaped our lips we were met with the Mom Glare - and yes, the same Mom Glare I give now (although mine's mixed with the Eyes-Wide-Open look I inherited from my dad). But the other week my daughter decided that the Spongebob Squarepants song just had to be shared at dinner. Again. And again. And again. And I kind of hate that show, really, so I finally had to blurt out "NO singing at the table, please" - at which point I realized I needed a toilet seat necklace.

"This will hurt me more than it hurts you." I always thought this was the second-biggest line of bullshit that parents give (behind "because I said so"). Yeah, right - I'm sure your ass hurts just as bad as mine after that spanking, and you're not the least bit disappointed that I'm grounded for that party because of my grades. But when I had to tell my son that, sorry, you're not allowed to stay up for the National Championship game because you keep misbehaving at school... damn. That hurt to tell him, even if it was his fault he got in trouble. Poor little guy. Wait it was his fault. Yeah, all his! Aww, but look at how sad he is... (repeat ad nauseum)

So Mom, if you're reading this... yeah, I get it. And thank you.

(But I still won't say "Because I said so" - I have my standards!)