We have hit a new low, America

I have a newfound sadness for our country. Why do I say this? Is it because we're fighting each other over whose political rhetoric is worse instead of mourning six people who have died and praying for those injured? Is it because we have scores of birds and fish dying for no apparent reason? Is it because there are so few jobs out there and so many people who need them?

No. It is because of this:



This is a new product called Forever Lazy. It is described as "adult footed pajamas" (not sure why, since they seem to end at the ankle), and they come in four colors with names like, "Asleep on the Job Grey" and "Hanky Panky Fuschia."

These seem to be made for people who think that a blanket - even one with sleeves - is too darn complicated to use. And they show actors wearing them while studying, having coffee on a deck outside and playing with animals. My favorite is when they're tailgating before a football game. Yes, outside. In public. They look like Teletubbies on a bender.

But, you ask, what if you have to go to the bathroom? (By the way, that question makes you smarter than anyone who would buy Forever Lazy.) No problem, because - I kid you not - they have included strategically placed zippers for such an occasion. Witness:



I'll give you a minute to erase that thought from your brain.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

Ready to move on? Good. So there you have it. The decline of western civilization has begun with what amounts to a fleece prison jumpsuit. Awesome.

Holy Inappropriate, Batman...

I'm on the reader panel for a national magazine, and several times a month they send us questions to answer for upcoming issues. But today, I get an email from them titled:

Which cartoon character do YOU have a crush on?

Um... okay, I know sometimes an actor on a kid's show might catch our cougar-mom eyes. We're human. Totally understandable.

But a cartoon character? Count me in as morbidly curious. So I open the email and read:

"Do you sometimes watch Blues Clues with your kids just to check out Joe's sexy smile, or secretly wish the Man With the Yellow Hat on Curious George was real? Confess here: Which kids-TV star (real or animated!) do YOU have a crush on? Send your answers (include your age and city) and your answer could appear in a future issue."

I'm sorry... the Man with the Yellow Hat? Are we now so pathetic that we're lusting after a guy who lives with a monkey and dresses like a banana? (And how coincidental is that, huh?) Oh yeah, and he's NOT REAL?

Ew. Just... ew.

Pet Peeve Hunters

My husband and I regularly watch House Hunters on HGTV, probably for the same reason I love to pick up Real Estate Guides from everywhere we visit. No, I don't have any plans to move to central Georgia, but I do like to see what your dollar gets you.

But with this curiosity comes frustration and my resulting sarcasm. Because there are some things people look for or avoid in a home that I just don't understand. So rather than be the bigger person and accept the differences we all have... I just make fun of them. It's a lot more interesting that way.

Double sinks. I cannot for the life of me figure out this obsession that so many couples seem to have. I've been married for 15 years and for the most part both of us left at about the same time to go to work. Yet I can probably count on one hand the number of times my husband and I have needed to brush our teeth at EXACTLY the same moment. This is when that whole Taking Turns unit in kindergarten comes in so handy. If it's because the wife thinks the husband is a slob, then I assume they're getting separate kitchens and bathrooms entirely, no?

Stairs. Ah, the aversion of so many parents with young children. And being a parent myself I can understand to a degree. But guess what? I grew up in a house with stairs. We have stairs in our home now. And we bought this house when I was pregnant with my second, so my baby had to learn to navigate them when she became mobile. Which meant that I had to keep an eye on her. (I know, right?) So it's a little crazy to see people freak out because a three-year-old will have to face two steps to go up from a sunken living room.

A pool. Now, I grew up with a pool so maybe I'm biased. But it's hilarious to see people lose their shit when they're looking at a house that's just perfect... only to rule it out because it had a pool. Either it's a safety concern with their kids or they break out the "It's too much trouble" argument. But these are usually the same people to fish for an invite to their neighbor's house, where a sparkling blue oasis of chlorinated relief beckons them from the backyard. Yep, I'll remember that the next time you peek your head over my fence while I'm lounging in the cool water on a 95 degree day. Enjoy your sprinklers.

A vacation home. This one almost deserves a blog entry of its own. First, I have trouble wrapping my head around the concept of a vacation home. If you're only going to be there a few times a year at most, isn't it more logical to rent a place each time? Sure, you can always rent out your own vacation home when you're not there. But then you have to hire someone to maintain it, or drive/fly down there yourself regularly. Granted, one show featured a family that travels to Morocco regularly for work and charity efforts. That I can totaly see. Otherwise, unless you're truly a multi-millionaire I don't see the point.

Second, the features they want in these homes absolutely crack me up. I saw where a family of five bought a "vacation home" that was over 3000 square feet. Really? Unless Paris Hilton is vacationing with you (in which case you'll need the room for both her luggage and the quarantine area), I can't imagine why one family needs that much space for an occasional place to stay. "Oh, this will be great for entertaining..." Entertaining who, exactly? Are you expecting to be besties with the locals? Because I'm sure all of the area merchants whose families have been there for generations are thrilled with the obnoxious American family moving into a house the size of the town square. I won't even get into their lamenting about a lack of closets (how much clothing do you need for five days?) or counter space.

So am I the only one who thinks this way?

This disturbs me

"I poo... in blue!"



Maybe I'm a prude. But if your kid is old enough to wear a diaper that looks like pants, then maybe he's old enough to wear... oh, I don't know... pants?

Gainesville Sports Examiner

Hey all, great news - I was recently named the Gainesville-area Sports Examiner on Examiner.com! I already have a few articles up, so check it out:

http://www.examiner.com/x-53316-Gainesville-Sports-Examiner

My page is dedicated to telling the stories of Gainesville area sports at all levels, from youth leagues to senior events and everything in between. There is so much to be proud of in our community – the development of a new league or camp, a unique person in Gator/Saints sports, a charitable endeavor by a local team, or a notable achievement by one of our outstanding area athletes. Most of you know that I'm a pretty big sports enthusiast, so I'm really excited to provide an all-encompassing platform to share area news.

If you have a story that you would like to see on the Gainesville Sports Examiner, please feel free to email me at kaplan_janice@yahoo.com to tell me about it. Thanks!

Jump-SLAP!

Are boys genetically programmed to jump up and slap anything they think is hanging within three feet of their heads?

This is my son's latest thing. Tree branch dangling above? Jump-SLAP. Doorway overhang? Jump-SLAP. Netting of a basketball hoop ten feet off the ground and nowhere near within his reach unless he's Kobe Bryant? Jump-slap-WHIFF.

Granted, I'd rather have him be like this than a kid who can't be bothered to reach for his drink because he'd have to move from his spot on the couch. But it's starting to drive me nuts.

Individuality, Interrupted

When I was a kid I often wore hand-me-down clothing from my older sister. My mom stayed at home and was notoriously frugal to make that work, so it was pretty much out of necessity. I never really minded this, as mom also took great care of our clothes so they didn't have holes in them and stains were treated pretty quickly.

Among the gems of my time-warp wardrobe was a pair of light green denim bell-bottom jeans. These were probably cute when my sister wore them in the mid-70s, but by 1980 they weren't exactly in demand. Still, I kind of liked the color and I didn't realize this fashion faux pas when I left the house that morning.

So you can imagine my surprise when I got a few funny looks here and there, and even a sarcastic, "HA... nice pants!" from a couple of girls a grade older than me. When I said a polite "Thank you" to them (I mistakenly took the taunt as a compliment), they laughed even harder. I was shocked, and I spent the rest of the day futilely trying to hide my pants. By the end of the day I was completely disheartened and secretly cursing my mom for making me wear them instead of just buying me a new pair of normal jeans.

After reading my story, you might think that I would be happy that the Alachua County School Board voted by a 3-2 margin to adopt a new uniform policy last night, effective at the start of the next school year. According to board member Barbara Sharpe, such a policy will "level the playing field" - so kids don't classify each other by the clothes they wear, or they won't be preoccupied by styles and brand names.

You might think again.

You see, I'm tired of over-protecting our kids' feelings. I'm all for being positive with them and encouraging good karma and sportsmanship, but when do we start preparing them for life? Instead of giving them tools to help them grow up and be confident with their looks and abilities, we're shielding them from any possible sadness or disappointment. We give every kid in the soccer league a trophy, even though some kids just aren't good athletes. We push every kid to read well beyond what they truly need to succeed, despite the fact that some kids just don't like it or aren't good at it. And now we'll make every kid look like a clerk at Blockbuster Video until they graduate from high school, just so they don't get singled out or preoccupied with D&G labels.

I learned something very important because of those hippie-dippy pants - how to stick up for myself. I wasn't getting a new pair of pants that day; we just couldn't swing it at the time, and that was the reality of the situation. And I had to admit, I did kind of like them. They were different (kind of like me, the dork that I was), and I thought the color was cool. Plus I didn't really have a choice.

So I sucked it up and eventually wore them again. And when I got a funny stare from someone I just ignored it. Or I looked them straight in the eye and smiled back at them. That usually shocked those kids; they expected an embarrassed slink-away or perhaps even tears. But they didn't get what they want, and then they left me alone. And that made me happier and more confident than any uniform could have done.

Today I wear what I want, and with confidence. I have learned what looks good AND makes me comfortable, and I wear clothing that shows who I truly am. That doesn't happen when you're shoehorned into a uniform. I also learned to hold no grudges - in fact, one of the people who commented on my pants way back when is now a Facebook friend of mine.

There are several reasons why I don't agree with uniforms. First, I haven't seen where it's such a huge disruptive problem. In fact, there is already a dress code in place and it seems to work just fine. Instead of policing spaghetti strap tops or shirt sayings as they do now, they'll just be making sure clothing is the right color and we have it neatly presented. No time saved there. Second, the school board voted for this despite an avalanche of mail from parents against the proposal, basing their vote instead on the "people they've talked to" (in other words, their friends). Third, now we have to buy TWO sets of clothing - uniforms for school, plus play/weekend clothes. Not sure how the school board thinks that this will be cheaper for the parents.

But my biggest reason is that I think we're shortchanging our kids in the long run. In life we don't get trophies merely for participating, we don't fit into academic molds of who we're supposed to be, and we don't have a dress code. Sooner or later, we have to learn how to suck it up and deal with who we are. We have to stick up for ourselves. We have to get our feelings hurt and deal with our shortcomings and experience disappointment from time to time.

As a parent, I see how hard that is to let it happen to our kids. But we have to let it happen, so we can teach them how to handle it. The uniform policy is a lazy way out, in my opinion - instead of teaching them coping skills and letting them be creative, we're washing our hands of it so we don't have to deal with it.

Barbara Sharpe, Wes Eubank and Ginger Childs, I hope you've enjoyed your tenure on the school board. And I'll be happy to help you update your resumes when you're voted out in November. For a fee, of course.