Jan. 3 - Love and Marriage

Today I learned that Johnny Weir got married to his boyfriend on New Year's Eve.

Who is Johnny Weir, you say? He's a world-class figure skater who has competed in several Olympic games and won three U.S. championships. But he is probably known more for his preference for boas and the single red glove he calls "Camille."



While I'm thrilled that Johnny and his boyfriend are able to legally tie the knot, my main reason for this post isn't to further the cause of gay marriage. It's because gay or straight, I think the guy is hilarious. While he never publicly commented on his sexuality until his book came out last year, he never hid his true colors - and often was quite witty in his retorts to any criticism of them. My favorite quote of his is from several years ago, after he apparently caused a commotion after a press conference. At the time, he wrote the following on his blog:

"The next morning the papers came out and all of a sudden I was causing a stir because I told Phil Hersh he looked thin and I was wearing a chinchilla scarf that someone thought was a boa. First of all, boas are so out. Secondly, I would never wear a boa to a press conference."

See? Unabashedly fabulous. I wish them many years of happiness. And when they have their "second wedding" over the summer (as apparently this one was just for legalities), I want to see pictures. Because anyone who has as much fun with fashion and attitude as Johnny Weir is going to throw one hell of a party.

I just hope Camille is his maid of honor.

January 2, 2012

Today I learned that Oregon is the new head of college football's House of Style. As it was, Maryland had already started the season with enough uniform components to put together 37 different looks for games. Seriously, has any team ever put more thought into what it wears? It takes real men to be that fashion forward.

But Oregon has upped the ante with this piece de la resistance, which they wore for the Rose Bowl today. Behold:



I. LOVE. THIS. It's protective headgear and your teammates can check their look in it. Although I have to admit, my first thought was this:



Still, it's pretty much awesome. And it confused Brent Musberger, which makes me love it more. Kudos for innovative fashion in the world of football. Now if we could only do something about golfing outfits...

A new year brings a new name

Did you notice? :-)

Probably not, since I haven't posted in almost six months. But I realized that I need more of an impetus to blog than expressing moderate thoughts on politics, pop culture, my family, sports or whatever else comes to mind.

They say that there's a learning opportunity in everything one does, so I've decided to see if that's true. Each day I will write about at least one thing I have learned. Yes, each and every day. It might be something profound or something stupid, but I guarantee that it will be something I didn't know the day before.

So are you ready to learn with me?

Pinch me. Please.

I am happy today. Because I saw this:

Christopher Walken Will Play Zeus in Modern Day Comedy Gods Behaving Badly

First, the movie itself should be good. Second, anything with Christoper Walken is worth the price of admission. He makes an appearance in an attraction at Universal Studios Florida that would otherwise suck but is brilliant thanks to how he says "Hello" to the audience. (He does more than that - but he had me at "Hello.") Now he plays Zeus? Just awesome.

Mostly, though, I am happy because this will make a hell of a red carpet for the premiere. Think about it - Walken, Edie Falco, John Turturro, Phylicia Rashad and... wait for it...

Sharon Stone.

Yes, Sharon F-ing Stone will play Aphrodite in this movie. And then she'll walk the red carpet for that. I am dying to see what kind of crazy she brings for that, the contrast when Edie rocks it as she usually does, and the "WOW-uh" from Christopher for each.

I wonder if the gods like the sound of cowbell.

Keep in touch... or else...

As Ferris Bueller once said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." Lucky for you guys I have time on my hands to piss away hours on the Internet, so I can show you the stuff you might not catch.

Or maybe you're not so lucky.

Yahoo loves to put quirky stuff on its email login page. Some of it's funny or just plain weird. But recently they've stepped over that line into Creepy territory. Behold:



At first glance it seems to be a normal suburban scene - an all-American boy complete with baseball cap and faithful dog. The boy is tapping away on a computer, presumably sending a silly video to his buddies or perhaps writing to grandma on that new-fangled email. The pastoral setting of his neighborhood frames the scene. Very nice, very nice.

But look to the left:



The centered picture is apparently an alternate universe set up by the parents. Because here it appears that the boy and dog are now underground tugging at a giant ball of twine. A tunnel from the house above is clearly seen, as is another tunnel to his right that leads further down into the ground. Is he being punished? Was our boy actually surfing porn instead of emailing grandma like he was supposed to, and now must communicate using only tin cans and string (which, I guess, he's building underground)? Or maybe he'll use the line to repel down the tunnel - a possibility if his dog has told him that Timmy fell in the well.

But this isn't the worst. Look to the right of the login box:



What the hell is this? We seem to have roots spelling "I miss you" (no trees, mind you, just roots) under another lovely neighborhood home. And a subterranean lair - apparently with no exit or entrance - containing what appears to be a turkey reading a book in the most depressing kitchen that ever existed. I especially like the window on the right hand side. It gives a great view of the dirt.

Is this my future if I don't keep in touch with my loved ones? Sheesh...

So tonight Brooke is wearing Pocahontas’ prom dress. Kendra, ironically, is the most covered up of all the women. And each dance is to a song with a strong attachment picked by the stars, which always means either tragedy or romance. Why doesn't anybody do such a dance about chocolate? That's what I'd choose.

We start with pro dances to show us what we should be looking for. I usually like when they do this, but last time they pointed out the actual key steps. Now we’re just watching them dance, which isn’t nearly as helpful.

First up is Wendy, whose meaningful moment has to do with the begiinning of her career in radio. Like many starting out, she lived in her car and took "birdbaths" and wondered if she'd succeed. So they have the foxtrot to “Tonight the DJ Saved My Life" and she looks like a drag version of Donna Summer. Ugh, her kicks are TERRIBLE. Her feet are actually at a right angle to the rest of her leg. And this hardly looks like a foxtrot. I don’t see any kind of hold and it’s not graceful at all. Plus I don’t see any of the emotion that she talked about in her story; she's just dancing without energy or the determination that you would expect from a backstory and personality like hers. The judges like her story, but not her dancing. Score = 5, 5, 5 and completely fitting.

Next Chelsea begs Mark to do something more traditional to please the judges and help her scores. I love her attitude, because she makes her point without disrespecting her pro. But I officially fell in love with her during this exchange when Mark was trying to teach her how to move her hips:

Chelsea: I’m intimidated by you.
Mark: Why?
Chelsea: Because you’re a better girl than I am.

Awesome. So she dances to “Chelsea” a song written about her by an ex-boyfriend. That’s not awkward at all. The dance is pretty good, and Mark adds some flair while keeping it traditional. But there are a few missteps and I see a lot of stripper-strutting and not as much cha cha as I’d like. The judges, however, love it and don’t mention missteps. Pay no attention to the dork behind the keyboard. Score = 7, 8, 8. Meh, overscored.

Chris's story is about his mother, who was in an accident that almost caused him to stop wrestling. She slowly died over the course of a few years, but she loved dancing so he’s doing this for her. He is genuinely emotional, and calling himself by Chris Irvine – his real name. His dance - another rumba - is to "Let it Be," whih was played at her funeral. Great, now I’m crying. And he has his mom’s picture there too. You know, the rumba has never been my favorite dance but I really like this. He is really graceful and emotes well without overdoing it with the O-Face you often see from contestants with big personalities who try to compensate for lack of content. Then again, it was about his mom so perhaps the restraint is on purpose. I didn’t see much hip action but otherwise it was very nice. The judges comment on his hips as well as lack of stuff to do with his arms, but they loved his emotion. Scores = 7, 7, 7.

Kendra’s song is called “You and Me” and her story is the beginning of her relationship with Hank. It turns out people in Hank's hometown took a “Hank you’re our hero” billboard down when he got together with Kendra. Damn, that's cold. So they’re dancing... oh, surprise, the rumba. The smoke almost completely covers her and then she stumbles down the stairs, but she recovers. I wonder if that machine malfunctioned. And she looks surprisingly inflexible – I keep thinking she should be able to bend further backwards. Her legs look nice in the steps though, when she doesn’t wobble, and they have a few good sensual moments. The judges seem to like it more than I do. Scores = 8, 7, 8. Kendra and Louis are definitely happy with this. I think it’s a bit overscored.

Romeo chose “I’ll Be There” to honor his two cousins who died – one in an accident, one beaten to death. My goodness, how awful. So they rehearse and he’s messing up and hates the heels on his shows and throws them across the room in frustration. Normally I can’t stand the star tantrums, but given the tragic story he’s reliving (and the pretty sincere apology the next day), I think he deserves a pass. Their rumba is very nice, although Romeo is slouching. But he’s quick yet smooth, which the rumba needs in transition. He really connects with the emotion as well and it’s very consistent. I just wish someone else was singing it – shouty Princess Sparkle is driving me nuts. Judges? Bruno and Carrie Ann liked it although they saw some missteps, but Len said it’s a step back from last week and offers no explanation to support that, and then snaps at Tom for whatever reason. Cripes. Scores = 7, 6, 7. I’d say that’s pretty accurate.

Tom: “Next up, Len goes to the Wizard for a heart.” Tom is on my Celebrity Lunch list.

Hines is becoming my favorite this season. There is a genuine, respectful admiration that he and Kym have for each other and I love it. Hines talks about his mother who, after divorcing his dad, worked multiple jobs to keep custody of him and help him become an NFL star. They're dancing a samba (FINALLY a happy dance!) to “Fantasy” by Earth, Wind and Fire. He’s getting frustrated in rehearsals, but Kym remains patient (one reason why she’s one of my favorites). They proceed to do a samba that becomes my favorite dance of the night. His hips move nicely, his feet nail the steps and he’s got a great genuine smile. His arms and shoulders look unsure sometimes, but otherwise he looks completely comfortable and joyous. The judges LOVE it. Scores = 9, 8, 8.

If nothing else, Petra impresses me more each week with her non-assuming kindness. She doesn’t have much natural rhythm, and I worry about her possible lack of fanbase. But they’re doing a waltz, which often works well in hiding flaws. She has chosen “You Raise Me Up” because it inspired her to start her charity, and it’s enough to elicit a witty retort from Dmitry (“So no pressure, right?”). Wow, is that a smidge of personality there? Their waltz it is quite beautiful, really, and when the music pauses near the end the crowd is so enthralled you can hear a pin drop. She gets high praise from Len, who has been an absolute bitch tonight. The other judges agree (about the dance, and probably about Len as well). Scores = 8, 9, 8 and they are thrilled. Not sure about the 9 for her, but it definitely was a nice dance.

Sugar Ray’s story is about beating the odds when people doubted him at the beginning of his career. Anna wants Ray to be more intimidating, which apparently translates into pursing his lips like he just sucked on a lemon. They do a paso doble to “My Prerogative” and I love how Anna looks like she’s talking shit to him on the dance floor at the beginning. It brings some fire out of Ray and he does okay, but he’s still pretty rough in transitions. His poses are nice though, and he does seem into it. The judges see definite improvement, and Carrie Ann and Bruno share a 12-year-old moment for the second week in a row. Scores = 7, 6, 7.

Kirstie and Maks get ready to do the 35th rumba of the night. Seriously, did they decide the dances after the song choices were made? That’s the only explanation I can think of. Kirstie’s story is how she had come to LA to be an actress only to find out her mom died and dad almost died in a bad car accident. So it’s another tragic/vulnerability rumba. Bruno is going to be so bummed. They do this to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (acoustic beachy version) and it starts out so lovely before Maks’ leg tweaks or does something that causes them both to fall. He’s in obvious pain but sucks it up, and they dance beautifully. I’m truly surprised at how well these two blend despite their physical differences; there’s an amazing chemistry between them and I love it. The only distraction is how Kirstie mouths the words, which I don’t fault her for because I always do that. The judges have to mark it down due to the fall but love how the pair recovered and performed so well. I’m sure Kirstie cares about Maks’ well-being but it’s hilarious that she skips – SKIPS – to the celebriquarium to get their scores while dragging Maks along. Scores = 7, 7, 7. Kirstie seems a little surprised to get marks that high; I’m not, because that easily would have had 8s or even a 9 in there without the fall.

Ralph got married 24 years ago, and judging by the wedding photo he was 14 years old at the time. He chose “stay Gold” since it was his wedding song and it was from The Outsiders, his breakout film. The sheet music they show says “So Gold,” which confuses me. But that happens easily. Karina riffs on Ralph’s lack of a sexy face, but Ralph insists he has one. Given the longevity of his marriage I’m guessing he’s got sexy something if it’s not a face. And they dance. Ralph is sweet and earnest, and does a rumba that is… sweet and earnest. It’s pleasant, but not an ounce of sexiness in there. Which I think is the point – the rumba doesn’t have to be sex on the dance floor. And if I watched a couple celebrating 24 years together, I wouldn’t want to see that either. I’d want sweet adoration, and that’s what we get here. He has terrible hip action, and it’s going to hurt him in dances like the samba. But his extensions and lines remind me of a shorter Evan Lycacek – he moves with really nice fluidity. When he’s done he kneels at his wife’s feet and kisses her hand (why does she look pissed?) and high-fives his son. The judges ding him on his hands (again) and refinement (again) and Bruno bitches about the lack of sex. Go figure. Scores = 7, 7, 7.

So we have Petra/Dmitry and Hines/Kym at the top with 25, and Wendy/Tony at the bottom with 15. Barring a major Wendy Williams voting block, we should see her going home tonight. And if so, it’s not a week too soon.

Da da dot daaaaa, da da dot daaaaa, da da dot daaaaaaa....

Ah, the weekly costume parade! Chelsea looks like a St. Pauli Girl blow-up doll with Mark as her ringmaster mime pimp. Awesome.

Ray and Anna – “Last week was my comeback fight – this week is my rematch.” Given Ray’s low scores for last week’s foxtrot, that makes no sense. He and Anna have the jive this time, and it’s not that bad. He needs to point his toes and make his arms bigger, but he’s moving nicely along the floor. I would have liked to see more actual jive footwork, though, and his kicks didn’t have much punch – no pun intended – in them. Best moment is after the dance when Anna mouths back to Len about his criticism. (Len: “Do you think I want to say something bad?” Anna: “Yes.”) They get another 17 to match last week.

Kendra and Louis – Ah, we get the weekly cry out of the way early. Last episode it was Wendy, and now it’s Kendra who has the breakdown. “Poor me, nobody knows what I’m like, blah blah blah…” You know, as much as I love this show I have a hard time feeling sorry for people who get paid a big shitpot full of money to learn how to dance. Suck it up, sista. We do get a great quote from her, though – “I’m not a lady.” Snerk. So the dance… this is a weird tempo/beat for a quickstep. I figure if you want someone to feel like a lady in this dance, you get a more classic song than this. Kendra looks so uptight, and I don’t like the choreography at all; there is almost no elegance involved. She gets a 19, so a little improvement from last week. I still think she has good potential (both for dancing and for hilarious one-liners) so I hope she stays.

Chelsea and Mark – They have the jive. Um, I know Mark was born in England, but since when does he actually speak with an accent? That just came out of nowhere. Yet another turd moment with him, which sucks because Chelsea is charming and dances really well. But having Mark as a partner will keep me from voting for her. So their performance… Well, now. That's different. Not much jive, very conceptual. It’s like Tim Burton made up a dance while doing acid and listening to the Sweeney Todd soundtrack. It’s entertaining and creative in a creepy way, but it’s not a jive. And HOLY CRAP THEY FINALLY NAILED MARK ON THESE SHENANIGANS. I never thought I’d see this coming, especially when they gave him a pass through all of last season with Bristol and the gorilla suits. They get an 18, including a 5 from Len. Ouch. I feel bad for Chelsea, but Mark squanders that goodwill by listing the steps he did include and sounding like a sniveling brat.

Chris and Cheryl – Chris does a lot of talking about his frame and how he wants to be solid like oak taken from Denmark by the Vikings and… I don’t know. I think he’s channeling Gary Busey. So they do the quickstep and, wow, it’s adorable in a very macho way. Chris was surprisingly smooth and light and having a wonderful time! This is a really enjoyable dance and the crowd loves it. The judges agree and give them a 23. Chris is hilariously happy and calling Cheryl a dance Yoda. Oh yeah. Busey.

Petra and Dmitry – Oh, this poor girl. She is deathly scared of the tricks in the jive, and with good reason. Not only is she very tall, but she’s got pins in her hips from the tsunami injuries she suffered. They’re dancing to “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” – one of the many songs I hear on the radio and think, “Oooooh, this would make a great (insert dance name here).” Because I’m a dork. So they’re jiving and it starts okay, and she’s really trying to sell it. Her footwork and kicks are decent, but she is a little awkward. No, she’s a lot awkward. There’s one point where she almost stops in the middle of the floor and another Dmitry sits her on the desk and she… gyrates? Has a seizure? I’m not sure. She’s eager to please, though – something I can say about almost all the contestants this season. They earn an 18.

Kirstie and Maks – They’ve got the quickstep. Being a big(ish) girl myself, I can’t imagine doing this dance if you weigh more than 100 lbs because of the speed involved. So if Kirstie can haul herself across the floor for this one, the girl can do anything. It’s not an easy dance for anybody – something Maks kindly reassures her about during rehearsals. They get to performance and yep, it’s good. A few mishaps make it a bit worse than last week, but she’s actually quite swift and graceful. She did fall a bit behind in the middle, though, and couldn’t quite catch up. They end the dance with a big fat kiss, and when they get to Brooke they reveal that it was not at all expected by Maks. Heh. I like how Kirstie keeps him guessing. They got a 20 which is a slight drop from last week, but people get a huge kick out of these two so we can be pretty sure they’ll be safe for awhile.

Mike and Lacey – Awww, Mike gave Lacey roses to apologize for his performance last week. That’s kind of sweet. He shows some kicks in rehearsal that look pretty promising, too. I wonder if he was just seriously slacking before the first performance and thought he could just skate by on personality. Will the new skills translate to the ballroom? Sadly, no. The one kicking sequence they showed in rehearsal is fantastic, but the rest of it is stompy. He has no bounce in his step and just kind of runs from one place to the next. Carrie Ann nails it when she says he needs to look at the routine as a whole, instead of “This is Section A, this is Section B.” They get a 17, one point better from each judge than last week. And his attitude seems to be better after getting his scores – maybe he really did step it up a notch.

Romeo and Chelsie – Romeo thinks the quickstep is sexy, and he doesn’t know what charming means. Oh, good. They’re dancing to “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease and the tempo is really slow. And not in that “slowed down to accompany the dance” way – it’s too slow for a quickstep and I’m not getting into this at all. It should be really cute and fun, but they look like they’re trying to jump in slow motion to match the music. But apparently I’m the only one who thinks this was a mess because the judges love it. Even Len thinks it’s the best dance of the night so far. Are we watching the same show? They get a 23. I don’t get it. Chris and Cheryl were better and got the same score.

Wendy and Tony – Is it just me, or did Wendy seem more subdued during the post-stair dance line at the beginning of the show? Like she kind of didn’t care. But she claimed that she’ll use the low score from last week as motivation. Either way, it's only the second week and I’m already tired of her bitching about her boobs. Get a reduction or love your ladies, but shut up either way. In the ballroom, their quickstep looks a little dumbed down and she still lacks energy, but she does get the footwork right and glides well. I do like how Tony tailored the beginning business to her personality, but otherwise she seems to be phoning it in yet again. She winds up with a 17, three points higher than last week.

Ralph and Karina – Ralph is starting to remind me a little of Joe Pantoliano with his accent and the pitch of his voice. He’s worried about looking stupid so he brings in his wife and kids for their opinions. His son speaks first and whoa, he sounds like his dad. I mean the same EXACT voice. Then they show his daughter, who is his physical doppelganger. No milkman here. They assure their dad that he does not look like a dork. Their jive – good, but not as good as last week. He sells it, that’s for sure. But his kicks are floppy and they need to be sharp. And you can tell that he’s exhausted by the end, which is par for the course for everyone (frankly, I’m kind of surprised they’re jiving so early in the competition). They get 7s across the board, which seems about right.

Hines and Kym – The hilarious part of this segment is Kym trying to understand and speak American slang. Sadly, Hines doesn’t look cool enough to use it either. So they start this mutual descent into that scene in Airplane when the stewardess can't speak jive and the elderly woman has to translate. But these two are kind of cute together so it works. However, the rehearsals don’t seem to be going well – Hines looks really awkward trying to do these steps and at one point has this Communist Army march thing going. But for the second week in a row, his actual performance was much better than practice. It’s a bit awkward in parts but he does well and they have great chemistry. They get a 23, which is even better than last week.

So, predictions? I say either Petra or Mike will go home. My preference would be Wendy – I just don’t see her doing any better. But her talk show fan base might keep her in for a few weeks.