Da da dot daaaaa, da da dot daaaaa, da da dot daaaaaaa....

Ah, the weekly costume parade! Chelsea looks like a St. Pauli Girl blow-up doll with Mark as her ringmaster mime pimp. Awesome.

Ray and Anna – “Last week was my comeback fight – this week is my rematch.” Given Ray’s low scores for last week’s foxtrot, that makes no sense. He and Anna have the jive this time, and it’s not that bad. He needs to point his toes and make his arms bigger, but he’s moving nicely along the floor. I would have liked to see more actual jive footwork, though, and his kicks didn’t have much punch – no pun intended – in them. Best moment is after the dance when Anna mouths back to Len about his criticism. (Len: “Do you think I want to say something bad?” Anna: “Yes.”) They get another 17 to match last week.

Kendra and Louis – Ah, we get the weekly cry out of the way early. Last episode it was Wendy, and now it’s Kendra who has the breakdown. “Poor me, nobody knows what I’m like, blah blah blah…” You know, as much as I love this show I have a hard time feeling sorry for people who get paid a big shitpot full of money to learn how to dance. Suck it up, sista. We do get a great quote from her, though – “I’m not a lady.” Snerk. So the dance… this is a weird tempo/beat for a quickstep. I figure if you want someone to feel like a lady in this dance, you get a more classic song than this. Kendra looks so uptight, and I don’t like the choreography at all; there is almost no elegance involved. She gets a 19, so a little improvement from last week. I still think she has good potential (both for dancing and for hilarious one-liners) so I hope she stays.

Chelsea and Mark – They have the jive. Um, I know Mark was born in England, but since when does he actually speak with an accent? That just came out of nowhere. Yet another turd moment with him, which sucks because Chelsea is charming and dances really well. But having Mark as a partner will keep me from voting for her. So their performance… Well, now. That's different. Not much jive, very conceptual. It’s like Tim Burton made up a dance while doing acid and listening to the Sweeney Todd soundtrack. It’s entertaining and creative in a creepy way, but it’s not a jive. And HOLY CRAP THEY FINALLY NAILED MARK ON THESE SHENANIGANS. I never thought I’d see this coming, especially when they gave him a pass through all of last season with Bristol and the gorilla suits. They get an 18, including a 5 from Len. Ouch. I feel bad for Chelsea, but Mark squanders that goodwill by listing the steps he did include and sounding like a sniveling brat.

Chris and Cheryl – Chris does a lot of talking about his frame and how he wants to be solid like oak taken from Denmark by the Vikings and… I don’t know. I think he’s channeling Gary Busey. So they do the quickstep and, wow, it’s adorable in a very macho way. Chris was surprisingly smooth and light and having a wonderful time! This is a really enjoyable dance and the crowd loves it. The judges agree and give them a 23. Chris is hilariously happy and calling Cheryl a dance Yoda. Oh yeah. Busey.

Petra and Dmitry – Oh, this poor girl. She is deathly scared of the tricks in the jive, and with good reason. Not only is she very tall, but she’s got pins in her hips from the tsunami injuries she suffered. They’re dancing to “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” – one of the many songs I hear on the radio and think, “Oooooh, this would make a great (insert dance name here).” Because I’m a dork. So they’re jiving and it starts okay, and she’s really trying to sell it. Her footwork and kicks are decent, but she is a little awkward. No, she’s a lot awkward. There’s one point where she almost stops in the middle of the floor and another Dmitry sits her on the desk and she… gyrates? Has a seizure? I’m not sure. She’s eager to please, though – something I can say about almost all the contestants this season. They earn an 18.

Kirstie and Maks – They’ve got the quickstep. Being a big(ish) girl myself, I can’t imagine doing this dance if you weigh more than 100 lbs because of the speed involved. So if Kirstie can haul herself across the floor for this one, the girl can do anything. It’s not an easy dance for anybody – something Maks kindly reassures her about during rehearsals. They get to performance and yep, it’s good. A few mishaps make it a bit worse than last week, but she’s actually quite swift and graceful. She did fall a bit behind in the middle, though, and couldn’t quite catch up. They end the dance with a big fat kiss, and when they get to Brooke they reveal that it was not at all expected by Maks. Heh. I like how Kirstie keeps him guessing. They got a 20 which is a slight drop from last week, but people get a huge kick out of these two so we can be pretty sure they’ll be safe for awhile.

Mike and Lacey – Awww, Mike gave Lacey roses to apologize for his performance last week. That’s kind of sweet. He shows some kicks in rehearsal that look pretty promising, too. I wonder if he was just seriously slacking before the first performance and thought he could just skate by on personality. Will the new skills translate to the ballroom? Sadly, no. The one kicking sequence they showed in rehearsal is fantastic, but the rest of it is stompy. He has no bounce in his step and just kind of runs from one place to the next. Carrie Ann nails it when she says he needs to look at the routine as a whole, instead of “This is Section A, this is Section B.” They get a 17, one point better from each judge than last week. And his attitude seems to be better after getting his scores – maybe he really did step it up a notch.

Romeo and Chelsie – Romeo thinks the quickstep is sexy, and he doesn’t know what charming means. Oh, good. They’re dancing to “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease and the tempo is really slow. And not in that “slowed down to accompany the dance” way – it’s too slow for a quickstep and I’m not getting into this at all. It should be really cute and fun, but they look like they’re trying to jump in slow motion to match the music. But apparently I’m the only one who thinks this was a mess because the judges love it. Even Len thinks it’s the best dance of the night so far. Are we watching the same show? They get a 23. I don’t get it. Chris and Cheryl were better and got the same score.

Wendy and Tony – Is it just me, or did Wendy seem more subdued during the post-stair dance line at the beginning of the show? Like she kind of didn’t care. But she claimed that she’ll use the low score from last week as motivation. Either way, it's only the second week and I’m already tired of her bitching about her boobs. Get a reduction or love your ladies, but shut up either way. In the ballroom, their quickstep looks a little dumbed down and she still lacks energy, but she does get the footwork right and glides well. I do like how Tony tailored the beginning business to her personality, but otherwise she seems to be phoning it in yet again. She winds up with a 17, three points higher than last week.

Ralph and Karina – Ralph is starting to remind me a little of Joe Pantoliano with his accent and the pitch of his voice. He’s worried about looking stupid so he brings in his wife and kids for their opinions. His son speaks first and whoa, he sounds like his dad. I mean the same EXACT voice. Then they show his daughter, who is his physical doppelganger. No milkman here. They assure their dad that he does not look like a dork. Their jive – good, but not as good as last week. He sells it, that’s for sure. But his kicks are floppy and they need to be sharp. And you can tell that he’s exhausted by the end, which is par for the course for everyone (frankly, I’m kind of surprised they’re jiving so early in the competition). They get 7s across the board, which seems about right.

Hines and Kym – The hilarious part of this segment is Kym trying to understand and speak American slang. Sadly, Hines doesn’t look cool enough to use it either. So they start this mutual descent into that scene in Airplane when the stewardess can't speak jive and the elderly woman has to translate. But these two are kind of cute together so it works. However, the rehearsals don’t seem to be going well – Hines looks really awkward trying to do these steps and at one point has this Communist Army march thing going. But for the second week in a row, his actual performance was much better than practice. It’s a bit awkward in parts but he does well and they have great chemistry. They get a 23, which is even better than last week.

So, predictions? I say either Petra or Mike will go home. My preference would be Wendy – I just don’t see her doing any better. But her talk show fan base might keep her in for a few weeks.