DWTS - Theeeeey're baaaaaaack....

... and more glittery than ever! Despite the absence of Derek Hough's teeth, the blinding cheese that is Dancing With The Stars returned to my TV last night. And yes, I couldn't be happier.

First up, Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas. And I think I may have tuned into the wrong show, because Chelsea senses an "instant connection" with Mark as he talks about how "young and cute" his new partner is. Am I watching The Bachelor? Because if this is any indication, I really don't want to see their rumba. After all, Mark's father is Corky Ballas - the man who turned a Beatles hit and a TV mother-icon into our worst nightmare.

Anywho, Chelsea and Mark dance the foxtrot and it's pretty cute. She's not very smooth and kind of throws herself around a bit, but she's got spunk and the two seem to enjoy themselves. They wind up with three 7s, and with the Disney voting contingent behind her she'll likely stick around for a few weeks.

Next we have Wendy Williams and Tony Dovolani. Like most of you, I know of Wendy mainly because of Joel McHale and The Soup. I find her a lot more likable in her own context though, because she fully embraces the crazy as part of who she is.

Which is why her cha cha is terribly disappointing. I don't expect her to be a great dancer, but I do expect a lot more fun. Here she looks like the reluctant dance partner at a wedding reception where she needs a lot more to drink before she becomes the sweaty, gyrating mess that everyone else is waiting for. And she's almost half a beat behind Tony. That's not the worst, though - the worst is when she gets her scores (5, 4, 5) and actually looks a little pissed. Did she honestly think it was better than that?

Hines Ward and Kym Johnson are next. My unhealthy knowledge of E! personalities comes through when I comment to my husband that Hines looks a bit like Jo Koy. He also seems pretty friendly and hard-working, which always earns points with me. Their cha cha... fun, and better than I thought. But dude has no hip action whatsoever, and I'm surprised the judges didn't ding him much for it. That's got to change or he won't be around for long, despite the three 7s that he got for the routine.

Okay, Petra Nemcova and Dmitry Idontcareenoughtolookuphislastnaame are up with a foxtrot. And I hope she shows more identifying traits than "supermodel" and "tsunami survivor." Not that I knock either one, especially the second - but Dmitry bores me to tears so I need someone fun to offset that. Their foxtrot is kind of decent, very safe (apparently her injuries limit her flexibility, so that will be tough later on) and they look lovely, but not enough to get past three 6s. No wow factor, but I would like to see if she comes out a little more. My worry here, though, is that she'll get lost in the voting shuffle a la Paulina Porizkova four years ago.

Now we have Romeo and Chelsie Hightower. Right away we see that Romeo is willing to work way harder than his dad, or at the very least will wear the proper shoes. And he obviously has some natural talent to move. Unfortunately he did inherit his dad's pride, in the form of "I don't want to look like an idiot." And in dancing, an attempt to prevent yourself from looking like an idiot actually makes you look more like an idiot than if you actually do what you're told. This is what happens during his cha cha - when he forgets to try and look cool, he dances better. Otherwise he looks pervy and awkward. He winds up with a 7 and two 6s, but I think he can do a lot better if he gets over himself.

Next, Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna Trebunskaya do a foxtrot. The first thing I notice, sadly, is Anna's wild Peg-Bundy-without-bangs bouffant that is absolutely awful. Paired with her fuschia dress (which, I'm sorry, but redheads should not wear fuscia. Ever.) and it has to be a bid to distract us from Ray's dancing. Which... yeah, it's bad. I hate to say it, because he seems so sweet. He does have some good moments when not in hold and is having a good time. But he's really stiff and not musical at all. The judges give him a 5 and two 6s. He'll get by on nostalgia/sympathy for a little while but this wasn't a good start.

And now, Kendra Wilkinson and Louis Van Amstel. They seem to get along great in rehearsal, with Kendra gamely acknowledging her less-than-prim claims to fame. And boy, she looks terrific. But her cha cha... a disappointment. Not terrible in the least, and she can move her ass just fine. But she's dancing in her head and either mouthing the words to the song or counting out loud, tough to say. Still, lots of potential. Plus according to the judges, Louis' choreography was very difficult for this stage in the game. So I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt along with her three 6s.

Ahhh, Ralph Macchio. The original Karate Kid and, apparently, discoverer of the fountain of youth. Yet for all the discussion about how he's pushing 50 but looks about 35, we still get him talking about bad backs and wheelchairs. (Plus, can someone PLEASE do something with his hair? It's like an 80s yearbook photo for a freshman on the tennis team.) Still he's quite charming and sweet, and he and Karina Smirnoff seem to enjoy their rehearsals. And his foxtrot... seriously awesome. He has a few missteps and wobbles, but the part they dance out of hold makes me think of a shorter Fred Astaire. I'm not even exaggerating. It's a fantastic routine and the crowd eats it up. Three 8s for his first go around.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke get to follow that act. Chris is actually kind of hot, but he has that wrestler intensity that creeps just under the surface. You know, the mouth is smiling but the eyes are figuring out which way to bash you over the head with a chair? Freaky. Their cha cha is a bit clunky, with Cheryl doing the potted-plant treatment with him (she dances circles around him while he stands there) so I'm not sure what kind of dancer he really is. But Cheryl usually likes to challenge her partners, so that can't be a good sign. He has a 7 and two 6s for the effort, which I think is a tad overscored.

Mike Catherwood(who?) and Lacey Schwimmer are up now and... oh, Lacey. We all know last year's bleach job was horrible, but for the love of God chop off the dead half of your hair and dye the rest of it whatever color you're going for. I know the slightly-trashy-dark-roots look is kind of in right now, but they're not supposed to be six inches out from your head. That is seriously awful.

Oh yeah, she has a partner. Is it me, is Mike kind of like a taller Hal Sparks? He has the same voice, facial expressions and self-deprecation going on. How's his dancing? Umm... pretty bad. He's trying hard and seems like a nice guy, but he has no musicality whatsoever, and the foxtrot is not the dance for that (not that any dance is... but the foxtrot makes it far worse). He looks really bummed about his scores (5, 4, 4). I hope he improves because he seems pretty earnest, but barring a miracle for the second dance you have my prediction for the first exit of the season.

Finally, the pair everyone has been waiting for - Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy. My initial prediction about this pairing was that Kirstie would drive Maks nuts with her neuroses. And she still just might, but for now apparently they spend rehearsals cracking each other up. I'm getting a really great vibe from these two.

Their cha cha... holy crap, girl is ON! She nails her steps, she moves very quickly yet still pretty controlled, and she actually makes it look easy. She and Maks are having a lot of fun and she is really, really good. I am seriously surprised here. Loved, loved, LOVED this routine! And so did the judges, who gave her two 8s and a 7. If this continues, it'd be fun to see Kirstie and Ralph in the finals - because the added bonus would be the face off between bitter exes Maks and Karina. Muahahaha....

No elimination this week - next Monday each couple dances again, then next Tuesday is the first elimination. Stay tuned!