Pinch me. Please.

I am happy today. Because I saw this:

Christopher Walken Will Play Zeus in Modern Day Comedy Gods Behaving Badly

First, the movie itself should be good. Second, anything with Christoper Walken is worth the price of admission. He makes an appearance in an attraction at Universal Studios Florida that would otherwise suck but is brilliant thanks to how he says "Hello" to the audience. (He does more than that - but he had me at "Hello.") Now he plays Zeus? Just awesome.

Mostly, though, I am happy because this will make a hell of a red carpet for the premiere. Think about it - Walken, Edie Falco, John Turturro, Phylicia Rashad and... wait for it...

Sharon Stone.

Yes, Sharon F-ing Stone will play Aphrodite in this movie. And then she'll walk the red carpet for that. I am dying to see what kind of crazy she brings for that, the contrast when Edie rocks it as she usually does, and the "WOW-uh" from Christopher for each.

I wonder if the gods like the sound of cowbell.

Keep in touch... or else...

As Ferris Bueller once said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." Lucky for you guys I have time on my hands to piss away hours on the Internet, so I can show you the stuff you might not catch.

Or maybe you're not so lucky.

Yahoo loves to put quirky stuff on its email login page. Some of it's funny or just plain weird. But recently they've stepped over that line into Creepy territory. Behold:



At first glance it seems to be a normal suburban scene - an all-American boy complete with baseball cap and faithful dog. The boy is tapping away on a computer, presumably sending a silly video to his buddies or perhaps writing to grandma on that new-fangled email. The pastoral setting of his neighborhood frames the scene. Very nice, very nice.

But look to the left:



The centered picture is apparently an alternate universe set up by the parents. Because here it appears that the boy and dog are now underground tugging at a giant ball of twine. A tunnel from the house above is clearly seen, as is another tunnel to his right that leads further down into the ground. Is he being punished? Was our boy actually surfing porn instead of emailing grandma like he was supposed to, and now must communicate using only tin cans and string (which, I guess, he's building underground)? Or maybe he'll use the line to repel down the tunnel - a possibility if his dog has told him that Timmy fell in the well.

But this isn't the worst. Look to the right of the login box:



What the hell is this? We seem to have roots spelling "I miss you" (no trees, mind you, just roots) under another lovely neighborhood home. And a subterranean lair - apparently with no exit or entrance - containing what appears to be a turkey reading a book in the most depressing kitchen that ever existed. I especially like the window on the right hand side. It gives a great view of the dirt.

Is this my future if I don't keep in touch with my loved ones? Sheesh...

So tonight Brooke is wearing Pocahontas’ prom dress. Kendra, ironically, is the most covered up of all the women. And each dance is to a song with a strong attachment picked by the stars, which always means either tragedy or romance. Why doesn't anybody do such a dance about chocolate? That's what I'd choose.

We start with pro dances to show us what we should be looking for. I usually like when they do this, but last time they pointed out the actual key steps. Now we’re just watching them dance, which isn’t nearly as helpful.

First up is Wendy, whose meaningful moment has to do with the begiinning of her career in radio. Like many starting out, she lived in her car and took "birdbaths" and wondered if she'd succeed. So they have the foxtrot to “Tonight the DJ Saved My Life" and she looks like a drag version of Donna Summer. Ugh, her kicks are TERRIBLE. Her feet are actually at a right angle to the rest of her leg. And this hardly looks like a foxtrot. I don’t see any kind of hold and it’s not graceful at all. Plus I don’t see any of the emotion that she talked about in her story; she's just dancing without energy or the determination that you would expect from a backstory and personality like hers. The judges like her story, but not her dancing. Score = 5, 5, 5 and completely fitting.

Next Chelsea begs Mark to do something more traditional to please the judges and help her scores. I love her attitude, because she makes her point without disrespecting her pro. But I officially fell in love with her during this exchange when Mark was trying to teach her how to move her hips:

Chelsea: I’m intimidated by you.
Mark: Why?
Chelsea: Because you’re a better girl than I am.

Awesome. So she dances to “Chelsea” a song written about her by an ex-boyfriend. That’s not awkward at all. The dance is pretty good, and Mark adds some flair while keeping it traditional. But there are a few missteps and I see a lot of stripper-strutting and not as much cha cha as I’d like. The judges, however, love it and don’t mention missteps. Pay no attention to the dork behind the keyboard. Score = 7, 8, 8. Meh, overscored.

Chris's story is about his mother, who was in an accident that almost caused him to stop wrestling. She slowly died over the course of a few years, but she loved dancing so he’s doing this for her. He is genuinely emotional, and calling himself by Chris Irvine – his real name. His dance - another rumba - is to "Let it Be," whih was played at her funeral. Great, now I’m crying. And he has his mom’s picture there too. You know, the rumba has never been my favorite dance but I really like this. He is really graceful and emotes well without overdoing it with the O-Face you often see from contestants with big personalities who try to compensate for lack of content. Then again, it was about his mom so perhaps the restraint is on purpose. I didn’t see much hip action but otherwise it was very nice. The judges comment on his hips as well as lack of stuff to do with his arms, but they loved his emotion. Scores = 7, 7, 7.

Kendra’s song is called “You and Me” and her story is the beginning of her relationship with Hank. It turns out people in Hank's hometown took a “Hank you’re our hero” billboard down when he got together with Kendra. Damn, that's cold. So they’re dancing... oh, surprise, the rumba. The smoke almost completely covers her and then she stumbles down the stairs, but she recovers. I wonder if that machine malfunctioned. And she looks surprisingly inflexible – I keep thinking she should be able to bend further backwards. Her legs look nice in the steps though, when she doesn’t wobble, and they have a few good sensual moments. The judges seem to like it more than I do. Scores = 8, 7, 8. Kendra and Louis are definitely happy with this. I think it’s a bit overscored.

Romeo chose “I’ll Be There” to honor his two cousins who died – one in an accident, one beaten to death. My goodness, how awful. So they rehearse and he’s messing up and hates the heels on his shows and throws them across the room in frustration. Normally I can’t stand the star tantrums, but given the tragic story he’s reliving (and the pretty sincere apology the next day), I think he deserves a pass. Their rumba is very nice, although Romeo is slouching. But he’s quick yet smooth, which the rumba needs in transition. He really connects with the emotion as well and it’s very consistent. I just wish someone else was singing it – shouty Princess Sparkle is driving me nuts. Judges? Bruno and Carrie Ann liked it although they saw some missteps, but Len said it’s a step back from last week and offers no explanation to support that, and then snaps at Tom for whatever reason. Cripes. Scores = 7, 6, 7. I’d say that’s pretty accurate.

Tom: “Next up, Len goes to the Wizard for a heart.” Tom is on my Celebrity Lunch list.

Hines is becoming my favorite this season. There is a genuine, respectful admiration that he and Kym have for each other and I love it. Hines talks about his mother who, after divorcing his dad, worked multiple jobs to keep custody of him and help him become an NFL star. They're dancing a samba (FINALLY a happy dance!) to “Fantasy” by Earth, Wind and Fire. He’s getting frustrated in rehearsals, but Kym remains patient (one reason why she’s one of my favorites). They proceed to do a samba that becomes my favorite dance of the night. His hips move nicely, his feet nail the steps and he’s got a great genuine smile. His arms and shoulders look unsure sometimes, but otherwise he looks completely comfortable and joyous. The judges LOVE it. Scores = 9, 8, 8.

If nothing else, Petra impresses me more each week with her non-assuming kindness. She doesn’t have much natural rhythm, and I worry about her possible lack of fanbase. But they’re doing a waltz, which often works well in hiding flaws. She has chosen “You Raise Me Up” because it inspired her to start her charity, and it’s enough to elicit a witty retort from Dmitry (“So no pressure, right?”). Wow, is that a smidge of personality there? Their waltz it is quite beautiful, really, and when the music pauses near the end the crowd is so enthralled you can hear a pin drop. She gets high praise from Len, who has been an absolute bitch tonight. The other judges agree (about the dance, and probably about Len as well). Scores = 8, 9, 8 and they are thrilled. Not sure about the 9 for her, but it definitely was a nice dance.

Sugar Ray’s story is about beating the odds when people doubted him at the beginning of his career. Anna wants Ray to be more intimidating, which apparently translates into pursing his lips like he just sucked on a lemon. They do a paso doble to “My Prerogative” and I love how Anna looks like she’s talking shit to him on the dance floor at the beginning. It brings some fire out of Ray and he does okay, but he’s still pretty rough in transitions. His poses are nice though, and he does seem into it. The judges see definite improvement, and Carrie Ann and Bruno share a 12-year-old moment for the second week in a row. Scores = 7, 6, 7.

Kirstie and Maks get ready to do the 35th rumba of the night. Seriously, did they decide the dances after the song choices were made? That’s the only explanation I can think of. Kirstie’s story is how she had come to LA to be an actress only to find out her mom died and dad almost died in a bad car accident. So it’s another tragic/vulnerability rumba. Bruno is going to be so bummed. They do this to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (acoustic beachy version) and it starts out so lovely before Maks’ leg tweaks or does something that causes them both to fall. He’s in obvious pain but sucks it up, and they dance beautifully. I’m truly surprised at how well these two blend despite their physical differences; there’s an amazing chemistry between them and I love it. The only distraction is how Kirstie mouths the words, which I don’t fault her for because I always do that. The judges have to mark it down due to the fall but love how the pair recovered and performed so well. I’m sure Kirstie cares about Maks’ well-being but it’s hilarious that she skips – SKIPS – to the celebriquarium to get their scores while dragging Maks along. Scores = 7, 7, 7. Kirstie seems a little surprised to get marks that high; I’m not, because that easily would have had 8s or even a 9 in there without the fall.

Ralph got married 24 years ago, and judging by the wedding photo he was 14 years old at the time. He chose “stay Gold” since it was his wedding song and it was from The Outsiders, his breakout film. The sheet music they show says “So Gold,” which confuses me. But that happens easily. Karina riffs on Ralph’s lack of a sexy face, but Ralph insists he has one. Given the longevity of his marriage I’m guessing he’s got sexy something if it’s not a face. And they dance. Ralph is sweet and earnest, and does a rumba that is… sweet and earnest. It’s pleasant, but not an ounce of sexiness in there. Which I think is the point – the rumba doesn’t have to be sex on the dance floor. And if I watched a couple celebrating 24 years together, I wouldn’t want to see that either. I’d want sweet adoration, and that’s what we get here. He has terrible hip action, and it’s going to hurt him in dances like the samba. But his extensions and lines remind me of a shorter Evan Lycacek – he moves with really nice fluidity. When he’s done he kneels at his wife’s feet and kisses her hand (why does she look pissed?) and high-fives his son. The judges ding him on his hands (again) and refinement (again) and Bruno bitches about the lack of sex. Go figure. Scores = 7, 7, 7.

So we have Petra/Dmitry and Hines/Kym at the top with 25, and Wendy/Tony at the bottom with 15. Barring a major Wendy Williams voting block, we should see her going home tonight. And if so, it’s not a week too soon.

Da da dot daaaaa, da da dot daaaaa, da da dot daaaaaaa....

Ah, the weekly costume parade! Chelsea looks like a St. Pauli Girl blow-up doll with Mark as her ringmaster mime pimp. Awesome.

Ray and Anna – “Last week was my comeback fight – this week is my rematch.” Given Ray’s low scores for last week’s foxtrot, that makes no sense. He and Anna have the jive this time, and it’s not that bad. He needs to point his toes and make his arms bigger, but he’s moving nicely along the floor. I would have liked to see more actual jive footwork, though, and his kicks didn’t have much punch – no pun intended – in them. Best moment is after the dance when Anna mouths back to Len about his criticism. (Len: “Do you think I want to say something bad?” Anna: “Yes.”) They get another 17 to match last week.

Kendra and Louis – Ah, we get the weekly cry out of the way early. Last episode it was Wendy, and now it’s Kendra who has the breakdown. “Poor me, nobody knows what I’m like, blah blah blah…” You know, as much as I love this show I have a hard time feeling sorry for people who get paid a big shitpot full of money to learn how to dance. Suck it up, sista. We do get a great quote from her, though – “I’m not a lady.” Snerk. So the dance… this is a weird tempo/beat for a quickstep. I figure if you want someone to feel like a lady in this dance, you get a more classic song than this. Kendra looks so uptight, and I don’t like the choreography at all; there is almost no elegance involved. She gets a 19, so a little improvement from last week. I still think she has good potential (both for dancing and for hilarious one-liners) so I hope she stays.

Chelsea and Mark – They have the jive. Um, I know Mark was born in England, but since when does he actually speak with an accent? That just came out of nowhere. Yet another turd moment with him, which sucks because Chelsea is charming and dances really well. But having Mark as a partner will keep me from voting for her. So their performance… Well, now. That's different. Not much jive, very conceptual. It’s like Tim Burton made up a dance while doing acid and listening to the Sweeney Todd soundtrack. It’s entertaining and creative in a creepy way, but it’s not a jive. And HOLY CRAP THEY FINALLY NAILED MARK ON THESE SHENANIGANS. I never thought I’d see this coming, especially when they gave him a pass through all of last season with Bristol and the gorilla suits. They get an 18, including a 5 from Len. Ouch. I feel bad for Chelsea, but Mark squanders that goodwill by listing the steps he did include and sounding like a sniveling brat.

Chris and Cheryl – Chris does a lot of talking about his frame and how he wants to be solid like oak taken from Denmark by the Vikings and… I don’t know. I think he’s channeling Gary Busey. So they do the quickstep and, wow, it’s adorable in a very macho way. Chris was surprisingly smooth and light and having a wonderful time! This is a really enjoyable dance and the crowd loves it. The judges agree and give them a 23. Chris is hilariously happy and calling Cheryl a dance Yoda. Oh yeah. Busey.

Petra and Dmitry – Oh, this poor girl. She is deathly scared of the tricks in the jive, and with good reason. Not only is she very tall, but she’s got pins in her hips from the tsunami injuries she suffered. They’re dancing to “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” – one of the many songs I hear on the radio and think, “Oooooh, this would make a great (insert dance name here).” Because I’m a dork. So they’re jiving and it starts okay, and she’s really trying to sell it. Her footwork and kicks are decent, but she is a little awkward. No, she’s a lot awkward. There’s one point where she almost stops in the middle of the floor and another Dmitry sits her on the desk and she… gyrates? Has a seizure? I’m not sure. She’s eager to please, though – something I can say about almost all the contestants this season. They earn an 18.

Kirstie and Maks – They’ve got the quickstep. Being a big(ish) girl myself, I can’t imagine doing this dance if you weigh more than 100 lbs because of the speed involved. So if Kirstie can haul herself across the floor for this one, the girl can do anything. It’s not an easy dance for anybody – something Maks kindly reassures her about during rehearsals. They get to performance and yep, it’s good. A few mishaps make it a bit worse than last week, but she’s actually quite swift and graceful. She did fall a bit behind in the middle, though, and couldn’t quite catch up. They end the dance with a big fat kiss, and when they get to Brooke they reveal that it was not at all expected by Maks. Heh. I like how Kirstie keeps him guessing. They got a 20 which is a slight drop from last week, but people get a huge kick out of these two so we can be pretty sure they’ll be safe for awhile.

Mike and Lacey – Awww, Mike gave Lacey roses to apologize for his performance last week. That’s kind of sweet. He shows some kicks in rehearsal that look pretty promising, too. I wonder if he was just seriously slacking before the first performance and thought he could just skate by on personality. Will the new skills translate to the ballroom? Sadly, no. The one kicking sequence they showed in rehearsal is fantastic, but the rest of it is stompy. He has no bounce in his step and just kind of runs from one place to the next. Carrie Ann nails it when she says he needs to look at the routine as a whole, instead of “This is Section A, this is Section B.” They get a 17, one point better from each judge than last week. And his attitude seems to be better after getting his scores – maybe he really did step it up a notch.

Romeo and Chelsie – Romeo thinks the quickstep is sexy, and he doesn’t know what charming means. Oh, good. They’re dancing to “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease and the tempo is really slow. And not in that “slowed down to accompany the dance” way – it’s too slow for a quickstep and I’m not getting into this at all. It should be really cute and fun, but they look like they’re trying to jump in slow motion to match the music. But apparently I’m the only one who thinks this was a mess because the judges love it. Even Len thinks it’s the best dance of the night so far. Are we watching the same show? They get a 23. I don’t get it. Chris and Cheryl were better and got the same score.

Wendy and Tony – Is it just me, or did Wendy seem more subdued during the post-stair dance line at the beginning of the show? Like she kind of didn’t care. But she claimed that she’ll use the low score from last week as motivation. Either way, it's only the second week and I’m already tired of her bitching about her boobs. Get a reduction or love your ladies, but shut up either way. In the ballroom, their quickstep looks a little dumbed down and she still lacks energy, but she does get the footwork right and glides well. I do like how Tony tailored the beginning business to her personality, but otherwise she seems to be phoning it in yet again. She winds up with a 17, three points higher than last week.

Ralph and Karina – Ralph is starting to remind me a little of Joe Pantoliano with his accent and the pitch of his voice. He’s worried about looking stupid so he brings in his wife and kids for their opinions. His son speaks first and whoa, he sounds like his dad. I mean the same EXACT voice. Then they show his daughter, who is his physical doppelganger. No milkman here. They assure their dad that he does not look like a dork. Their jive – good, but not as good as last week. He sells it, that’s for sure. But his kicks are floppy and they need to be sharp. And you can tell that he’s exhausted by the end, which is par for the course for everyone (frankly, I’m kind of surprised they’re jiving so early in the competition). They get 7s across the board, which seems about right.

Hines and Kym – The hilarious part of this segment is Kym trying to understand and speak American slang. Sadly, Hines doesn’t look cool enough to use it either. So they start this mutual descent into that scene in Airplane when the stewardess can't speak jive and the elderly woman has to translate. But these two are kind of cute together so it works. However, the rehearsals don’t seem to be going well – Hines looks really awkward trying to do these steps and at one point has this Communist Army march thing going. But for the second week in a row, his actual performance was much better than practice. It’s a bit awkward in parts but he does well and they have great chemistry. They get a 23, which is even better than last week.

So, predictions? I say either Petra or Mike will go home. My preference would be Wendy – I just don’t see her doing any better. But her talk show fan base might keep her in for a few weeks.

DWTS - Theeeeey're baaaaaaack....

... and more glittery than ever! Despite the absence of Derek Hough's teeth, the blinding cheese that is Dancing With The Stars returned to my TV last night. And yes, I couldn't be happier.

First up, Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas. And I think I may have tuned into the wrong show, because Chelsea senses an "instant connection" with Mark as he talks about how "young and cute" his new partner is. Am I watching The Bachelor? Because if this is any indication, I really don't want to see their rumba. After all, Mark's father is Corky Ballas - the man who turned a Beatles hit and a TV mother-icon into our worst nightmare.

Anywho, Chelsea and Mark dance the foxtrot and it's pretty cute. She's not very smooth and kind of throws herself around a bit, but she's got spunk and the two seem to enjoy themselves. They wind up with three 7s, and with the Disney voting contingent behind her she'll likely stick around for a few weeks.

Next we have Wendy Williams and Tony Dovolani. Like most of you, I know of Wendy mainly because of Joel McHale and The Soup. I find her a lot more likable in her own context though, because she fully embraces the crazy as part of who she is.

Which is why her cha cha is terribly disappointing. I don't expect her to be a great dancer, but I do expect a lot more fun. Here she looks like the reluctant dance partner at a wedding reception where she needs a lot more to drink before she becomes the sweaty, gyrating mess that everyone else is waiting for. And she's almost half a beat behind Tony. That's not the worst, though - the worst is when she gets her scores (5, 4, 5) and actually looks a little pissed. Did she honestly think it was better than that?

Hines Ward and Kym Johnson are next. My unhealthy knowledge of E! personalities comes through when I comment to my husband that Hines looks a bit like Jo Koy. He also seems pretty friendly and hard-working, which always earns points with me. Their cha cha... fun, and better than I thought. But dude has no hip action whatsoever, and I'm surprised the judges didn't ding him much for it. That's got to change or he won't be around for long, despite the three 7s that he got for the routine.

Okay, Petra Nemcova and Dmitry Idontcareenoughtolookuphislastnaame are up with a foxtrot. And I hope she shows more identifying traits than "supermodel" and "tsunami survivor." Not that I knock either one, especially the second - but Dmitry bores me to tears so I need someone fun to offset that. Their foxtrot is kind of decent, very safe (apparently her injuries limit her flexibility, so that will be tough later on) and they look lovely, but not enough to get past three 6s. No wow factor, but I would like to see if she comes out a little more. My worry here, though, is that she'll get lost in the voting shuffle a la Paulina Porizkova four years ago.

Now we have Romeo and Chelsie Hightower. Right away we see that Romeo is willing to work way harder than his dad, or at the very least will wear the proper shoes. And he obviously has some natural talent to move. Unfortunately he did inherit his dad's pride, in the form of "I don't want to look like an idiot." And in dancing, an attempt to prevent yourself from looking like an idiot actually makes you look more like an idiot than if you actually do what you're told. This is what happens during his cha cha - when he forgets to try and look cool, he dances better. Otherwise he looks pervy and awkward. He winds up with a 7 and two 6s, but I think he can do a lot better if he gets over himself.

Next, Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna Trebunskaya do a foxtrot. The first thing I notice, sadly, is Anna's wild Peg-Bundy-without-bangs bouffant that is absolutely awful. Paired with her fuschia dress (which, I'm sorry, but redheads should not wear fuscia. Ever.) and it has to be a bid to distract us from Ray's dancing. Which... yeah, it's bad. I hate to say it, because he seems so sweet. He does have some good moments when not in hold and is having a good time. But he's really stiff and not musical at all. The judges give him a 5 and two 6s. He'll get by on nostalgia/sympathy for a little while but this wasn't a good start.

And now, Kendra Wilkinson and Louis Van Amstel. They seem to get along great in rehearsal, with Kendra gamely acknowledging her less-than-prim claims to fame. And boy, she looks terrific. But her cha cha... a disappointment. Not terrible in the least, and she can move her ass just fine. But she's dancing in her head and either mouthing the words to the song or counting out loud, tough to say. Still, lots of potential. Plus according to the judges, Louis' choreography was very difficult for this stage in the game. So I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt along with her three 6s.

Ahhh, Ralph Macchio. The original Karate Kid and, apparently, discoverer of the fountain of youth. Yet for all the discussion about how he's pushing 50 but looks about 35, we still get him talking about bad backs and wheelchairs. (Plus, can someone PLEASE do something with his hair? It's like an 80s yearbook photo for a freshman on the tennis team.) Still he's quite charming and sweet, and he and Karina Smirnoff seem to enjoy their rehearsals. And his foxtrot... seriously awesome. He has a few missteps and wobbles, but the part they dance out of hold makes me think of a shorter Fred Astaire. I'm not even exaggerating. It's a fantastic routine and the crowd eats it up. Three 8s for his first go around.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke get to follow that act. Chris is actually kind of hot, but he has that wrestler intensity that creeps just under the surface. You know, the mouth is smiling but the eyes are figuring out which way to bash you over the head with a chair? Freaky. Their cha cha is a bit clunky, with Cheryl doing the potted-plant treatment with him (she dances circles around him while he stands there) so I'm not sure what kind of dancer he really is. But Cheryl usually likes to challenge her partners, so that can't be a good sign. He has a 7 and two 6s for the effort, which I think is a tad overscored.

Mike Catherwood(who?) and Lacey Schwimmer are up now and... oh, Lacey. We all know last year's bleach job was horrible, but for the love of God chop off the dead half of your hair and dye the rest of it whatever color you're going for. I know the slightly-trashy-dark-roots look is kind of in right now, but they're not supposed to be six inches out from your head. That is seriously awful.

Oh yeah, she has a partner. Is it me, is Mike kind of like a taller Hal Sparks? He has the same voice, facial expressions and self-deprecation going on. How's his dancing? Umm... pretty bad. He's trying hard and seems like a nice guy, but he has no musicality whatsoever, and the foxtrot is not the dance for that (not that any dance is... but the foxtrot makes it far worse). He looks really bummed about his scores (5, 4, 4). I hope he improves because he seems pretty earnest, but barring a miracle for the second dance you have my prediction for the first exit of the season.

Finally, the pair everyone has been waiting for - Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy. My initial prediction about this pairing was that Kirstie would drive Maks nuts with her neuroses. And she still just might, but for now apparently they spend rehearsals cracking each other up. I'm getting a really great vibe from these two.

Their cha cha... holy crap, girl is ON! She nails her steps, she moves very quickly yet still pretty controlled, and she actually makes it look easy. She and Maks are having a lot of fun and she is really, really good. I am seriously surprised here. Loved, loved, LOVED this routine! And so did the judges, who gave her two 8s and a 7. If this continues, it'd be fun to see Kirstie and Ralph in the finals - because the added bonus would be the face off between bitter exes Maks and Karina. Muahahaha....

No elimination this week - next Monday each couple dances again, then next Tuesday is the first elimination. Stay tuned!

A new season of DWTS? Yep, I'm on it.

Ah, the familiar sounds of spring - birds chirping, mowers mowing, heels clicking on the dance floor. It's time for another round of Dancing With The Stars, and count my dorky self among those who waited anxiously for the cast announcement this week. This time around we're facing a competition without a Hough sibling - something that hasn't happened since Season 3. That can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your tolerance for excessive camera mugging and attention-hog shenanigans.

Now that the celebrities (a term that can actually be used this season) have been paired with their pros, let's begin the speculation!

Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy - Well well well, they finally got her! After several requests from the producers, Ms. Alley herself is bringing her own brand of loopy insanity to the ballroom. But I think the best part of this is that she's paired with Maks. And as we all know, Maks no likey the crazy (see Debi Mazar, Denise Richards). This could be fun to watch, but sadly I get the feeling that our favorite Scientologist will not catch on quickly. Combine that with her partner's impatience and I'm sensing an early "shocker" send off a la David Hasselhoff. Please let me be wrong. Please.

Petra Nemcova and Dmitry Chaplin - I love how one press account says this about Petra's casting - "A model previously linked to James Blunt and Sean Penn." I understand that it's modeling, but can we at least talk about where her image has appeared or who has photographed her? No? Only who she's banged? Lovely, press. Just for that I'm pulling for her. But I hope she's fun to watch, because Dmitry has about as much personality as my kitchen sponge.

Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff - While some 80s heartthrobs have become coke-fueled polygamist tigers with fire breathing fists (I swear I'm not making this up), Ralph Macchio has quietly gone about his life. Now known as a nice family guy who performed with the national touring production of the musical How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, he apparently has at least some dancing ability to go with his Karate Kid prowess. It's exactly the easygoing nature that can respond well to Karina's spitfire direction without taking it personally. He just might live to incorporate the Crane move in his freestyle.

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna Trebunskaya - We cover the "legendary athlete" and "old-ish guy" slots in one fell swoop here. Leonard could move in the boxing ring and he'll be used to Anna's tough training style. But will he be able to express emotion through a face that seems Botoxed into the next decade?

Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke - I've heard this guy's name in WWE news/discussion so I know he exists. Aaaaaand that's about it. But if he has even the remotest sense of rhythm and musicality, Cheryl can take him farther than most would (see Maurice Green).

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis van Amstel - Out of the three Girls Next Door, Kendra was my least favorite. With her obnoxious laugh and bitchy demeanor, I never thought she fit in with the sweet natures of Holly and Bridget. And when she got her own show I thought, "I'll never watch that crap." But I did. And... dammit, I liked her. She's so much happier and nicer with Hank, but still has that Kendra personality. She can move incredibly well and is paired with a genial yet hard-driving pro in Louis - if he gives her the right choreography, she's a lock for the finals.

Wendy Williams and Tony Dovolani - Poor Tony. He gets a great partner last fall, only to get torpedoed by the Bristol Palin Juggernaut far too soon. And now he has Wendy Williams, who along with Kirstie Alley will amp the crazy woman quotient the likes of which we've never seen. Unlike Maks, however, Tony has a more patient nature. If Wendy can move at all, she could make it for a few weeks on sheer entertainment value. At least that's what Joel McHale hopes.

Romeo and Chelsie Hightower - Let's hope the apple falls reeeeeeaaaaally far from the tree. Romeo's dad is the infamous Master P, a season 2 participant who perhaps was the worst and least enthusiastic contestant in DWTS history. (Although in his defense he was subbing for Romeo, who was originally slated for that season but got injured and had to withdraw.) Good-natured Chelsie has yet to get a partner with a natural feel for dance, so here's hoping Romeo breaks that streak for her.

Disney actress Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas - My two children have watched the Disney Channel for several years, which means of course that I can quote countless episodes of Hannah Montana and Suite Life On Deck. Yet I have no idea who Chelsea Kane is. I'm sorry, but that's pretty telling. She's partnered with Mark, who is perhaps my least favorite pro. Two strikes already for me. But Disney princesses are generally the singing-acting-dancing triple threat that stage mothers push into show business in the hopes of reclaiming their own lost glory. So unless this girl is a complete bitch, she probably has the skills to stick around for at least half the competition.

Hines Ward and Kym Johnson - He's great on my fantasy football team, but will he bring down Team Cha Cha Cha? Football players historically do well on this show, ranging from respectable finishes to championships. And Kym's back after having been pawed by Uncle Bad Touch in a mercifully short stint by David Hasselhoff. Hopefully Hines will be a bit more serious of a competitor for her.

“Psycho” Mike Catherwood and Lacey Schwimmer - No idea who this guy is. But my general rule is if you have to add an adjective to your name, you're probably not that adjective - you just like to think you are. At least he's handsome, so he's got the eye-candy factor going for him. He also has Lacey, who in my opinion is the best at tailoring choreography to a contestant's personality and strengths. Could be a dark horse for the season if he has the charisma to win over people who have never heard of him. It's been done before, most recently by Kyle Massey when he was paired with... yep, Lacey.

So what do you think? Any thoughts or early predictions? Let me know!

Proof that I think too much

A conversation between me and my 7-year-old daughter yesterday.

Her: Mommy, which is faster, hot or cold?
Me: I'm not sure - what do you mean by faster?
Her: I mean... (sigh)... I don't know - which is faster? Hot or cold?
Me: (Thinking she learned something in science, maybe?) Well, it depends. I know that molecules move faster in heat, so maybe hot. But do you mean that or something else?
Her: (sighs with exasperation) - NO, Mommy. Heat is faster, because you can CATCH a cold!

I ruined her joke. Mother of the year here!

STEVEN: "Wait, is that a zombie over there? Oh - it's just Marc Anthony."
JENNIFER: "So I killed the leopard with my bare hands, just like this, and made it into shoes."
RANDY: "Okay dawg, so I'm still the cool one, right?

The grinch's heart grew two sizes today... and then broke

Okay, typically I'm not a big sap when my kids show signs of growing up. More than once I've heard from other mom friends, "Why can't they stay little forever?" but I've never been able to wrap my head around the sentiment.

Case in point - a coworker/friend at my old job came to work the day her first child started kindergarten, and as she told me about drop-off I could hear the sadness in her voice. Having experienced this milestone with my older child I tried to comfort and encourage her, telling her how much fun her son will have and how cool it will be to see what he learns every day (all of which is completely true). And I almost had her, dammit - until another coworker came by and asked what was wrong. When we explained, she immediately took my friend in her arms and howled, "Oh NO! I'm so sorry..." as if her son needed a heart transplant. And they both proceeded to cry.

I have tried to cry. I have tried to feel that Mommy-isn't-needed sadness. But to me, milestones like this are a thing of joy and beauty. Sure, it means that they don't stay little forever. It also means I don't have to pay for daycare forever, cut their meat forever, tie their shoes forever, cart them around to sports/rehearsals/friends' houses forever, etc. Even more importantly, I get to bear witness as they become who they are destined to be. With each passing year I see more clearly the kind of person they are and what they might do once they go out into the world. It fills me with pride and makes me hopeful as their generation inches closer and closer to leading us.

So you can imagine my surprise this morning when I asked my sixth-grade son if he wants me to chaperone his trip to the Medieval Faire in a couple of weeks. Normally with both of my kids, the mere hint that I'll chaperone a field trip elicits whooping and hollering and enthusiastic thank yous from whichever offspring I have asked. This morning, however, was not like other mornings.

Me: Here's the field trip form for the Medieval Faire - want me to chaperone? (poises pen to check "Yes" on the form)
Him: (hesitates) Oh, yeah. Um. Well...

Wow.
He doesn't want me to go. And it's quite obvious.

So I nonchalantly put the pen down and say, "That's okay. You can think about it for a day or so; it's not due until Thursday."

Yeah, that didn't seem to make him any more comfortable. So now it's really obvious that he doesn't want me there, but he's trying to not come out and say it because he doesn't want to disappoint me. I assure him that if he'd rather I not go on this trip, he can just say so and I'm completely fine with it.

So... he does. In a very sweet and considerate way, but he does. And I have to admit, it made me pretty sad.

Granted, I'm still trying to figure out if it's because my presence is no longer wanted by my son, or if I'd rather pay the $5 chaperone admission price for the Faire instead of the ridiculous $14 they normally charge. But I'm guessing it's more the former. And yes - it hurts.

Still, it's a sign that he's finding his own way. Becoming his own person. And the way I see it, if they don't become more independent over time, then I'm not doing my job.

Now that would make me cry.

We have hit a new low, America

I have a newfound sadness for our country. Why do I say this? Is it because we're fighting each other over whose political rhetoric is worse instead of mourning six people who have died and praying for those injured? Is it because we have scores of birds and fish dying for no apparent reason? Is it because there are so few jobs out there and so many people who need them?

No. It is because of this:



This is a new product called Forever Lazy. It is described as "adult footed pajamas" (not sure why, since they seem to end at the ankle), and they come in four colors with names like, "Asleep on the Job Grey" and "Hanky Panky Fuschia."

These seem to be made for people who think that a blanket - even one with sleeves - is too darn complicated to use. And they show actors wearing them while studying, having coffee on a deck outside and playing with animals. My favorite is when they're tailgating before a football game. Yes, outside. In public. They look like Teletubbies on a bender.

But, you ask, what if you have to go to the bathroom? (By the way, that question makes you smarter than anyone who would buy Forever Lazy.) No problem, because - I kid you not - they have included strategically placed zippers for such an occasion. Witness:



I'll give you a minute to erase that thought from your brain.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

Ready to move on? Good. So there you have it. The decline of western civilization has begun with what amounts to a fleece prison jumpsuit. Awesome.