So tonight Brooke is wearing Pocahontas’ prom dress. Kendra, ironically, is the most covered up of all the women. And each dance is to a song with a strong attachment picked by the stars, which always means either tragedy or romance. Why doesn't anybody do such a dance about chocolate? That's what I'd choose.

We start with pro dances to show us what we should be looking for. I usually like when they do this, but last time they pointed out the actual key steps. Now we’re just watching them dance, which isn’t nearly as helpful.

First up is Wendy, whose meaningful moment has to do with the begiinning of her career in radio. Like many starting out, she lived in her car and took "birdbaths" and wondered if she'd succeed. So they have the foxtrot to “Tonight the DJ Saved My Life" and she looks like a drag version of Donna Summer. Ugh, her kicks are TERRIBLE. Her feet are actually at a right angle to the rest of her leg. And this hardly looks like a foxtrot. I don’t see any kind of hold and it’s not graceful at all. Plus I don’t see any of the emotion that she talked about in her story; she's just dancing without energy or the determination that you would expect from a backstory and personality like hers. The judges like her story, but not her dancing. Score = 5, 5, 5 and completely fitting.

Next Chelsea begs Mark to do something more traditional to please the judges and help her scores. I love her attitude, because she makes her point without disrespecting her pro. But I officially fell in love with her during this exchange when Mark was trying to teach her how to move her hips:

Chelsea: I’m intimidated by you.
Mark: Why?
Chelsea: Because you’re a better girl than I am.

Awesome. So she dances to “Chelsea” a song written about her by an ex-boyfriend. That’s not awkward at all. The dance is pretty good, and Mark adds some flair while keeping it traditional. But there are a few missteps and I see a lot of stripper-strutting and not as much cha cha as I’d like. The judges, however, love it and don’t mention missteps. Pay no attention to the dork behind the keyboard. Score = 7, 8, 8. Meh, overscored.

Chris's story is about his mother, who was in an accident that almost caused him to stop wrestling. She slowly died over the course of a few years, but she loved dancing so he’s doing this for her. He is genuinely emotional, and calling himself by Chris Irvine – his real name. His dance - another rumba - is to "Let it Be," whih was played at her funeral. Great, now I’m crying. And he has his mom’s picture there too. You know, the rumba has never been my favorite dance but I really like this. He is really graceful and emotes well without overdoing it with the O-Face you often see from contestants with big personalities who try to compensate for lack of content. Then again, it was about his mom so perhaps the restraint is on purpose. I didn’t see much hip action but otherwise it was very nice. The judges comment on his hips as well as lack of stuff to do with his arms, but they loved his emotion. Scores = 7, 7, 7.

Kendra’s song is called “You and Me” and her story is the beginning of her relationship with Hank. It turns out people in Hank's hometown took a “Hank you’re our hero” billboard down when he got together with Kendra. Damn, that's cold. So they’re dancing... oh, surprise, the rumba. The smoke almost completely covers her and then she stumbles down the stairs, but she recovers. I wonder if that machine malfunctioned. And she looks surprisingly inflexible – I keep thinking she should be able to bend further backwards. Her legs look nice in the steps though, when she doesn’t wobble, and they have a few good sensual moments. The judges seem to like it more than I do. Scores = 8, 7, 8. Kendra and Louis are definitely happy with this. I think it’s a bit overscored.

Romeo chose “I’ll Be There” to honor his two cousins who died – one in an accident, one beaten to death. My goodness, how awful. So they rehearse and he’s messing up and hates the heels on his shows and throws them across the room in frustration. Normally I can’t stand the star tantrums, but given the tragic story he’s reliving (and the pretty sincere apology the next day), I think he deserves a pass. Their rumba is very nice, although Romeo is slouching. But he’s quick yet smooth, which the rumba needs in transition. He really connects with the emotion as well and it’s very consistent. I just wish someone else was singing it – shouty Princess Sparkle is driving me nuts. Judges? Bruno and Carrie Ann liked it although they saw some missteps, but Len said it’s a step back from last week and offers no explanation to support that, and then snaps at Tom for whatever reason. Cripes. Scores = 7, 6, 7. I’d say that’s pretty accurate.

Tom: “Next up, Len goes to the Wizard for a heart.” Tom is on my Celebrity Lunch list.

Hines is becoming my favorite this season. There is a genuine, respectful admiration that he and Kym have for each other and I love it. Hines talks about his mother who, after divorcing his dad, worked multiple jobs to keep custody of him and help him become an NFL star. They're dancing a samba (FINALLY a happy dance!) to “Fantasy” by Earth, Wind and Fire. He’s getting frustrated in rehearsals, but Kym remains patient (one reason why she’s one of my favorites). They proceed to do a samba that becomes my favorite dance of the night. His hips move nicely, his feet nail the steps and he’s got a great genuine smile. His arms and shoulders look unsure sometimes, but otherwise he looks completely comfortable and joyous. The judges LOVE it. Scores = 9, 8, 8.

If nothing else, Petra impresses me more each week with her non-assuming kindness. She doesn’t have much natural rhythm, and I worry about her possible lack of fanbase. But they’re doing a waltz, which often works well in hiding flaws. She has chosen “You Raise Me Up” because it inspired her to start her charity, and it’s enough to elicit a witty retort from Dmitry (“So no pressure, right?”). Wow, is that a smidge of personality there? Their waltz it is quite beautiful, really, and when the music pauses near the end the crowd is so enthralled you can hear a pin drop. She gets high praise from Len, who has been an absolute bitch tonight. The other judges agree (about the dance, and probably about Len as well). Scores = 8, 9, 8 and they are thrilled. Not sure about the 9 for her, but it definitely was a nice dance.

Sugar Ray’s story is about beating the odds when people doubted him at the beginning of his career. Anna wants Ray to be more intimidating, which apparently translates into pursing his lips like he just sucked on a lemon. They do a paso doble to “My Prerogative” and I love how Anna looks like she’s talking shit to him on the dance floor at the beginning. It brings some fire out of Ray and he does okay, but he’s still pretty rough in transitions. His poses are nice though, and he does seem into it. The judges see definite improvement, and Carrie Ann and Bruno share a 12-year-old moment for the second week in a row. Scores = 7, 6, 7.

Kirstie and Maks get ready to do the 35th rumba of the night. Seriously, did they decide the dances after the song choices were made? That’s the only explanation I can think of. Kirstie’s story is how she had come to LA to be an actress only to find out her mom died and dad almost died in a bad car accident. So it’s another tragic/vulnerability rumba. Bruno is going to be so bummed. They do this to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (acoustic beachy version) and it starts out so lovely before Maks’ leg tweaks or does something that causes them both to fall. He’s in obvious pain but sucks it up, and they dance beautifully. I’m truly surprised at how well these two blend despite their physical differences; there’s an amazing chemistry between them and I love it. The only distraction is how Kirstie mouths the words, which I don’t fault her for because I always do that. The judges have to mark it down due to the fall but love how the pair recovered and performed so well. I’m sure Kirstie cares about Maks’ well-being but it’s hilarious that she skips – SKIPS – to the celebriquarium to get their scores while dragging Maks along. Scores = 7, 7, 7. Kirstie seems a little surprised to get marks that high; I’m not, because that easily would have had 8s or even a 9 in there without the fall.

Ralph got married 24 years ago, and judging by the wedding photo he was 14 years old at the time. He chose “stay Gold” since it was his wedding song and it was from The Outsiders, his breakout film. The sheet music they show says “So Gold,” which confuses me. But that happens easily. Karina riffs on Ralph’s lack of a sexy face, but Ralph insists he has one. Given the longevity of his marriage I’m guessing he’s got sexy something if it’s not a face. And they dance. Ralph is sweet and earnest, and does a rumba that is… sweet and earnest. It’s pleasant, but not an ounce of sexiness in there. Which I think is the point – the rumba doesn’t have to be sex on the dance floor. And if I watched a couple celebrating 24 years together, I wouldn’t want to see that either. I’d want sweet adoration, and that’s what we get here. He has terrible hip action, and it’s going to hurt him in dances like the samba. But his extensions and lines remind me of a shorter Evan Lycacek – he moves with really nice fluidity. When he’s done he kneels at his wife’s feet and kisses her hand (why does she look pissed?) and high-fives his son. The judges ding him on his hands (again) and refinement (again) and Bruno bitches about the lack of sex. Go figure. Scores = 7, 7, 7.

So we have Petra/Dmitry and Hines/Kym at the top with 25, and Wendy/Tony at the bottom with 15. Barring a major Wendy Williams voting block, we should see her going home tonight. And if so, it’s not a week too soon.