This has been a huge source of speculation ever since he joined our family last June. The first time we ever heard him bark was when he saw a squirrel, and what came out of his mouth was a high-pitched yip that sounded like the squirrel had him by his non-existent balls. My husband immediately wondered if this was what intruders would hear if they came to our house. (The short answer - a resounding "no," thank goodness. So the bark is now simply known as Squirrel Bark.)
Until now our dog has never caught a squirrel, mind you. Instead he has endured their mocking stares and chirps as they scamper along the top of the fence and climb our big oak tree.
But it was only a matter of time before an animal dumb enough to run in front of moving cars would look back at my dog and think, "Heh, he's not moving that fast. I bet if I stood here for a mo... oh, shit..."
And thus, stupidity has yielded my latest lessons. And I didn't even have to be the stupid one this time.
Well, not entirely.
1) If my dog keeps running but the Squirrel Bark stops, my dog's mouth is full. That is never a good thing.
2) Dying squirrels make me scream. Not in fear, but in anguish. This is why I don't hunt (yet I have no problem eating an already-dead animal kindly served to me).
3) When I scream it sounds like someone is actually getting murdered. Like a real person.
4) My neighbors really don't like when I scream like someone is getting murdered.
5) When my neighbors are not happy, they
6) The landscaper really doesn't like when I scream like someone is getting murdered. He also seems to think that if he's not talking to me directly, I can't hear him through the fence when he curses my existence and calls me an idiot.
7) After more than two decades in the south, the redneck influence is rubbing off on me - because for a fraction of a second I actually wondered if the squirrel wasn't too damaged to be dressed and cooked. Or maybe I'm just watching too much Walking Dead.
8) A third-grade girl handles such events better than I do. I debated telling my daughter about the whole thing because I didn't want to upset her, but I wound up spilling the beans when she got home from school. Her reply - "Cool! Can I see it?" (By the way, that shouldn't surprise me at all.)
9) If you have to dispose of an animal carcass, have the good fortune of doing so the day that the garbage gets picked up. Dodged a serious bullet there.
